There's a whole person inside your mum or dad that you've never fully met — the version of them who existed before you came along, who fell in love, who lay awake worrying about you, who made quiet sacrifices you never saw. Most of us mean to ask about all of it, and then one day the chance is gone.
These 101 questions are built for that particular relationship: a son or daughter asking their own parent. They lean less on "tell me about history" and more on the things only you can ask them — your shared life, their inner world, and the words that tend to go unsaid between a parent and a child. (Asking a grandparent instead? Our 100 questions for grandparents goes deeper into family history, ancestry, and the era they grew up in.)
Ask a few at a time, not all at once — and record it. Their answers matter, but the sound of their voice giving them is the thing you'll treasure most.
The person before I came along
- Who were you before you became my parent — what were you like at twenty?
- What did you imagine your life would look like?
- Where were you living then, and what did a good night out look like?
- Who was your first love, and what happened?
- What's something you did back then that would surprise me?
- Who was your closest friend, and are you still in touch?
- What's the boldest or most reckless thing you ever did?
- What did you want to be, and how close did you get?
- Was there a whole other life you almost lived instead?
- What did you worry about at the age I am now?
You and me
- What do you remember about the day I was born?
- What was I like as a baby and a little kid?
- What's a moment with me you've never forgotten?
- Was I easy, or did I give you a run for your money?
- What did you find hardest about raising me?
- What did I do that made you proudest — or laugh the hardest?
- Is there something about my own childhood I don't know?
- What did you want to give me that you never had?
- What do you wish we'd done more of together?
- When were you most frightened for me?
- What did I teach you?
Becoming a parent
- How did you feel when you found out you were going to have me?
- Were you scared? Of what?
- What kind of parent did you hope to be?
- What did your own parents do that you tried to copy?
- What did you decide to do differently from how you were raised?
- What surprised you most about having children?
- What did you give up that I might not even realise?
- Is there a parenting decision you'd make differently now?
- What was the loneliest part of it?
- What did raising me teach you about your own mum and dad?
Your marriage and love
- How did you and [my other parent] meet?
- What made you sure they were the one?
- What were the early days of your relationship like?
- What's the hardest season you came through together?
- What's the secret, if there is one, to lasting?
- What do you wish you'd understood about love sooner?
- What did you argue about, and what did it teach you?
- If you could relive one day together, which would it be?
- What do you most admire about them?
- What do you want me to understand about your marriage?
The life you built
- What was your first real job, and how did it feel?
- What work are you proudest of?
- Was there a career you dreamed of but didn't pursue?
- What did you learn about money the hard way?
- What drove you to provide for us — what were you chasing?
- Who believed in you when it counted?
- What did a hard week look like, and how did you switch off?
- Did you ever take a big risk? How did it turn out?
- What would you have done if money were no object?
- When, if ever, did you feel you'd "made it"?
The things we don't usually say
- Is there something you've always wanted to tell me but never found the moment?
- Have I ever actually heard you say what you're proudest of about me?
- Is there anything you'd want to apologise for — or forgive?
- What do you worry about when you think about me?
- What do you need from me that you've never asked for?
- Have I ever hurt you without realising?
- What frightens you now?
- Is there a story you've kept that you're finally ready to tell?
- What does our relationship mean to you?
- What do you most want me to know before it goes unsaid?
What you'd tell me
- What's the best advice you were ever given?
- What advice would you give me that you're worried I won't take?
- What do you know now that you wish you'd known at my age?
- What did you believe about being a parent that turned out to be wrong?
- What mistake do you most hope I avoid?
- How do you know when it's time to walk away from something?
- What does a good life look like to you now?
- What would you tell me about raising my own family?
- What have you completely changed your mind about?
- What's worth spending your time and money on — and what isn't?
You, as your own person
- What makes you happiest on an ordinary day?
- What are you better at than people realise?
- What's a dream you still quietly hold?
- What's the most beautiful place you've ever been?
- What do you do that's purely for you?
- Who do you miss?
- What still makes you feel most like yourself?
- What are you curious about these days?
- What's a small pleasure you'd never give up?
- With a completely free day and no obligations, how would you spend it?
Looking ahead, together
- What do you most want for me and my life?
- What do you hope I keep from the way you raised me?
- What do you want your grandchildren to know about you?
- Is there a moment you're most grateful we got to share?
- What do you still hope to do or see?
- Is there something of yours — a saying, a recipe, a way of doing things — you'd like me to carry on?
- Is there anything you'd want us to do — or not do — later on?
- What do you hope is the first thing I think of when I remember you?
- What's the one story of yours you most want kept?
- If you could leave me with a single sentence, what would it be?
Making it count
The list is the easy part; the real gift is the listening. Ask one question, then get out of the way — the best answers almost always come from the follow-up, not the question. Go where they light up, keep the sessions short and frequent, and press record so you keep the voice as well as the words.
If the asking and the following-up and the finishing feel like more than you can manage, that's exactly the gap Told was built to close. And if you'd like more on the how, here's our guide to recording a life story without it feeling like a chore. Whatever you do, start soon — the person behind the parent is worth meeting while you still can.